Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Randomize
