remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
3pm strippers are depressing
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Randomize
