I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Randomize
