Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
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I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
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I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
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