Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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