1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
