I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
i was born a porn star she said
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
