the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
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I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
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I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
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