I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
spencer pratt says his family invinted chess
that kid is like the al gore of hollywood.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Randomize
