my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Randomize
