Already got asked if we're dating
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Randomize
