Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
