Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
