Grow some girl-balls and come out already
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
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