A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
ttyl tear gas
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Randomize
