Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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