Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
