I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
