Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Randomize
