Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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