She went from zero to smokin in five shots
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Randomize
