We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
