finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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