Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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