the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
