do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
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