I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Randomize
