Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
