why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
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