You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
