I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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