Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
