I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Just puked most of my soul out..
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