I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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