I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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