New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
