So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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