I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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