Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
