and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
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at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
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He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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