i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
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