bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
