dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
