i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
