last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
