I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
