god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
