I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
