I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
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