I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
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