He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
