Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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