It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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