Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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