The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
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