My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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